Episode One: Goodbye Is The Hardest Word (II)

Jing Ko, how many times do we have to have this conversation? Make up your mind!


Scene 2: At The Fishing Float

She has never seen him this way. So angry, so fierce, so unwilling to give in to her. What’s happened to the boy she knew, the one who’s always ready to lend a shoulder for her to cry on, the one who’s always picking up after her, the one who keeps her from falling down when she has too heavy a burden on her shoulders?

She spits out saltwater. ‘Chi Yat-Po, have you completely lost your mind? I could’ve drowned – ’

Hands on his hips, perched on the edge of the fishing float, he yells back – ‘I am completely of sound mind! You’re the one who’s lost her senses! Have you come to your senses now? Have you?’

He refuses to take her hand even though she reaches out to him, begging to be pulled in.

‘If you’re going to keep this up, then I don’t want to see you anymore. Get away from me. Go! Go on! Swim back to the island and leave me alone!’

She can see he is serious.

‘Chi Yat-Po, please, I’m begging you. Help me in – ’

‘Are you ready to listen to reason? Will you stop this nonsense and fickle-minded complaining …’

‘Yes! Yes!’

‘Are you sure? Because I don’t want to hear rubbish from you anymore and I don’t want to see anymore crying and whining – ’

‘Yes, I’m sure! I won’t cry anymore – please give me a hand!’

He stands for a moment, considers her face. Their eyes meet. He holds her gaze. She inhales sharply. Who is this man – this demanding, unyielding, implacable man with the fierce, steady gaze?

The moment passes, their gaze breaks.

He reaches down and takes her hand. She grabs on. With one swift movement, he hauls her out of the water and onto the fishing float again. His strength surprises her. She can’t imagine how her skinny stick of a friend suddenly grew so strong. How and when?

‘Get into the shack. You need to dry off – ’ he says, curt.

Meekly, she follows him back into the shack.

He finds a towel and tosses it to her. Again, she is surprised at his aloofness. Hurt and surprised. She dries off.

He goes to the kitchen and puts water on the boil.

From behind her towel, she peers at him. ‘Chi Yat-Po – ’ she starts but he cuts her off.

‘Shut up. I don’t want to hear another word from you. Not for the time being. You just dry off and sit down.’

She sits down at the meals table. He comes with a mug of hot tea.

‘Sip this.’

She drinks slowly. The tea is strong. Bitterly so.

‘I – ’

‘Shut up! Don’t say anything until I tell you to. Just finish the tea.’

She is perplexed. For the first time, she is unable to read his thoughts. His back is turned towards her. He is hunched over in his chair, apparently in deep thought.

Finally, the tea is finished.

‘I’ve finished,’ she announces.

He turns towards her, eyes serious and calm – ‘I have some questions for you. Answer them properly.’

‘All right – ’

‘And no lying. Tell the truth.’

‘All right, I’ll try.’

He pauses, inhales deeply as if to breathe in as much oxygen as he can.

And then the questions fly – fast and thick as a hail of bullets:

‘How do you feel when you’re with Koon Sing – happy or sad?’

‘Happy.’

‘How do you feel when you’re out dating with him – proud or ashamed?’

‘Proud.’

‘Do you admire him – does he have qualities which you like in a man?’

‘Yes, he is smart, funny and very creative.’

‘Can you picture yourself beside him as a soul mate and a life partner – no lying now!’

‘Yes, I think so.’

‘Do you still believe in horoscopes and Fate?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do believe Fate decides whom you should be with?’

‘Yes. No. I don’t know – ’

‘Never mind. Who went to Disneyland and found you – Koon Sing or me?’

‘Koon Sing.’

‘Is that important to you that he found you?’

‘Yes.’

‘Don’t you think that’s an answer from Fate?’

‘Maybe. I don’t know.’

‘I ask you again – do you like to be with Koon Sing or not?’

‘Yes.’

She sits and waits for the next question. It does not come.

‘Chi Yat-Po, say something.’

He takes the towel out of her hands and as if guided by an unseen force takes it to her head and rubs her wet hair with it – ‘You silly, silly thing ….’

His voice is soft and low. So low she is almost unable to make out what he’s saying.

‘Do you know it’s been a good thing for me that you’ve been gone these past few days?’

‘It has?’

‘It’s actually given me a chance to think things over. To get some clarity on what’s going on in our situation.’

‘Are you clear then on what’s going on?’

‘I think so, yes.’

‘Then explain it to me because I’m still confused. I don’t understand – if I like Koon Sing so much, why am I so miserable? Why can’t I sleep? Why did I stay up the whole night - thinking of you?’

‘Jing Ko, this is what I’ve figured. When a person is young, he has all kinds of emotions which he cannot understand. And sometimes, he gets these emotions mixed up.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You and I have been childhood friends since we were kids. You have no one else, no brothers, no sisters. And I had no one else, no brothers, no sisters. We had no one our age to spend time with and consequently, we found companionship with one another.’

‘That is true – ’

‘We cared for each other deeply like brother and sister and now … now that we’re grown up, we do not know how to handle these feelings. Especially since one of us has to move on and be involved in a love relationship with someone else.’

‘Are you saying we’re mixing up our feelings – thinking they are romantic feelings when in reality it’s only a love between best friends and siblings?’

‘Don’t you think that’s most likely the case?’

‘I’m not sure.’

‘Well, like I said, I’ve been thinking and checking my own feelings. And I think I may have muddled them up a bit – ’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Well, if I’m really in love with you – don’t you think I should have fought harder for you to stay instead of letting you go?’

‘Yes, you did let me go, that’s true – ’

‘I let you go with Simon, didn’t I? I let you go again with Koon Sing, didn’t I? Now what sort of a love is that if it were a man-and-woman love? Don’t you think it’s more a sibling-best friend sort of emotion – that I’m reluctant to lose a best friend or sister sort of situation?’

‘Yes, that does seem like it – ’

‘And if I have these feelings, won’t you have these feelings too – especially the reluctance to leave in order to join someone else?’

‘I see what you mean, yes.’

‘And that explains why you feel miserable and you can’t sleep and you keep thinking of me last night, don't you see?’

Her hair is still damp but he decides it's dried enough. He removes the towel, tosses it on the table and sits down. That shy, boyish smile plays on his lips.

She is relieved, so happy to see that familiar smile. His voice is soft once more, his mannerism towards her gentle and tender.

‘Chi Yat-Po, do you really believe Koon Sing and I have a future together?’

‘Without a doubt.’

They sit there for a long time, mulling in silence. He tries not to look at her, stares at the ceiling instead.

'Chi Yat-Po, will you always be my friend?'

He grins. 'Always, I swear.'

'Will you always tell me the truth?'

'Yes, I will - '

'Even if it hurts me?'

'Even if it hurts you.'

'Are you telling me the truth now - the whole truth?'

'Jing Ko, only God has the whole truth. I'm not God. I can only tell you what I know right this moment - '

'Ok, I can accept that.'

He gets up from the table, picks up her bag and hands it to her. ‘We better get going – Ah Pa will be looking for me.’

She follows him out to the boat docked by the side of his fishing float. The sun is high in the sky, the heat from its rays scorching her skin.

The engine of the boat roars loud over the waves. She clutches her bag to her chest. Chi Yat-Po fixes his eyes on a buoy in the distance. If he misses that buoy, they’ll have to go another round again to make their landing on the island. He is a local fellow and knows the weather well. The sun may be hot and scorching at the moment but the waves are playing up. This means a strong wind is blowing, possibly deteriorating into a gale afterwards. He has no wish to be caught in a storm, not with Twinkle in his small boat.

Episode One: Goodbye Is The Hardest Word (I)

What's the matter, Jing Ko? Don't cry, talk to me ...


Scene One: At The Fishing Float

He is startled from his sleep. Chi Yat-Po! Where are you?

This is terrible. Even in his sleep, he hears her voice. Has Twinkle become a ghost to haunt him now?

He turns and flips on his sofa, trying to find a spot to sink his weary body into the edges of the cushion. It has been an awful morning. He has been sitting on the edge of his fishing float for hours, until a numbness crept into his knees and exhaustion overtook him, causing him to nearly fall into the water.

It must be nearly ten o’clock now. Father must be surprised he has not turned up for work yet. Another batch of fish is sitting in a box waiting to be transferred to the market. But does he care? Does he really care? For the first time in his life, he feels selfish. Feels he does not care what anybody thinks. He has no mood to get up, no mood to work, no mood to even face all the old familiar faces at home.

If he had thought that sleep would have banished the heaviness in his heart, he was wrong. The pain is still sitting like a knife in the chest. A big, heavy knife with a big, heavy handle. Much like one of those cleavers he uses to cut up fish at the market every day.

He rubs his chest a few times. Feels the cleaver as if it were a tangible object in his fingers. Why the hell doesn’t the pain go away?

Chi Yat-Po! Where are you? Answer me, will you?

He jumps up with a start. Damn, that didn’t sound like a dream …

The door of his fishing shack suddenly swings open.

‘Chi Yat-Po? Where have you been? I’ve been calling and calling – why won’t you pick up?’

He blinks in utter surprise. Tries to stand up and smooth his hair down, tries to put his shoes on, but manages to only knock his knee against the coffee table, ouch.

She stomps into the room, flings down her bag and sits down, pulling him down beside her.

‘Chi Yat-Po,’ she says, ‘I’m utterly miserable.’

‘Eh, what’s happened?’

‘Chi Yat-Po, I ask you again, where have you been?’

‘Why, what’s the matter?’

‘I needed to talk to you. I needed to talk to you so badly.’

Suddenly, he is all alert. ‘Wait a minute,’ he says, ‘let me wash my face and I’ll talk to you.’

He dashes to the kitchen sink and splashes water on his face. Muttering under his breath, he chides himself for forgetting to bring a change of clothes to the fishing float. What must she think of him – dirty and smelly and a mess at this hour of the morning – no wonder it’s hard for her to decide whom she wants to be with …

He returns to the sofa to find her staring blankly at her hands.

‘Hey, don’t look so down. Things can’t be that bad. Talk to me.’

She lifts a wry smile to his face. Tries to grin but fails. She searches his eyes but he does not allow it, quickly dropping his gaze to both his knees.

‘What’s the matter, Jing Ko? I’ve been quite worried about you.’

And then as an immediate afterthought, quickly adds: ‘We’ve all been terribly worried about you, Koon Sing especially – ’

She wrings her hands. ‘Do you know what happened yesterday?’

‘No. What happened yesterday?’

He is a lousy liar, looks at the ground as if his shoes were about open their mouths and wag a tongue at him.

‘Koon Sing found me.’

‘Oh, really? That’s very good. That’s wonderful of him. Wonderful for you.’

‘He found me in the evening.’

‘That’s good, very good.’

‘Stop saying “good, very good.” Aren’t you interested where he found me?’

‘Yes, of course. Where did he find you?’

‘At Disneyland.’

‘Ah, Disneyland. So that’s where you were. Hey, how come you went to Disneyland without inviting me?’

She glared at him, not appreciating the ill-timed humour at all.
‘Chi Yat-Po, do you know how miserable I feel?’

‘What’s the matter? Why are you miserable? Koon Sing has found you – that should be reason enough for you to be glad.’

‘Chi Yat-Po, when Koon Sing found me at Disneyland yesterday, I said to myself: Fate has decided I’m to be with him – ’

‘Ahh, yes, fate! Good old fate…

‘Koon Sing and I spent the whole evening walking up and down Disneyland. When Disneyland closed, we went for a walk in the city. We walked and we walked and we walked. And all the while, Koon Sing talked about how we should talk to you. How to best let you know about us without hurting you, without causing you more grief – ’

She searches his face for a clue but obstinately he thwarts her, keeping his head down, his eyes averted. Bad, bad liar.

‘Jing Ko, listen to me – ’

‘Go ahead. I’m listening.’

‘You’re worrying too much. I’m not made of tofu, not so easily breakable …’

‘Chi Yat-Po, you don’t understand. Do you know what happened after Koon Sing and I parted last night?’

‘No, what happened?’

‘I went home and I tried to go to sleep. But the whole night, I couldn’t sleep! I couldn’t sleep and I was so miserable.’

‘Why were you miserable?’

‘I was miserable because I kept thinking of you. The whole night, I was thinking of you. I thought about how you looked, how your voice sounds, and I imagined what you’d say when we meet, imagine what I’d say, imagine how – oh Chi Yat-Po, a hundred thoughts rushed through my head and I’m so utterly miserable!’


He cannot bear it. The tears in her eyes are threatening to start a downpour in his eyes. He stands up, yanking her to her feet. ‘Jing Ko, stop! I say, stop!’

‘What? What?’

‘Stop! Stop! Enough already! Don’t do this anymore! Don’t do this to yourself! Don’t do this to me!’

All of a sudden, she feels fear. There is a hard note in his voice, hard and cold like steel, one she has never heard before. ‘Chi Yat-Po, I’m afraid. I’m very afraid. I don’t understand what’s going on…please help me – ’

He looks her straight in the face. ‘There is absolutely nothing to understand – ’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You’re overthinking the matter! You’re working yourself up for nothing by overthinking the matter! This is not how you should decide what you’re going to do, this is not how life is decided, this is ridiculous, this is nonsense – ’

The intensity in his face, the raised voice, the harshness in his eyes, alarms her and she tries to pull away from him. He holds her hands like a vice.

‘Chi Yat-Po, you’re hurting me! You’re hurting me!’

Her yell hits him like a bucket of cold water. Angry, hurt and ashamed all at once, he grips her hands even harder.

‘Jing Ko – ’ he says deliberately slowly, ‘Jing Ko – ’

They are now face to face, chest to chest. He feels her hipbone against his own. Her breath is hot on his cheeks. She has pulled her hands to her face, stilling fighting to pull away from his grip. He feels the hot tears on his knuckles. His heart hardens.

‘Jing Ko, stop this! If you don’t stop crying, I’m going to pick you up and carry you out to the water edge and throw you over to the fishes – ’

She stares at him, amazed. ‘Chi Yat-Po, are you insane? Have you lost your mind? I dare you! I dare you – ’ – it’s her turn to lose her temper. The tears continue to stream down, now quickly becoming tears of anger and frustration.

Without another word, he picks her up. He kicks the door open and stalks to the water’s edge. ‘Jing Ko, I ask you one more time – will you stop crying?’

Her hands now free, she raises one up, slaps him hard across one cheek.

‘That's it. I've had it. Goodbye, Jing Ko,’ he says and throws her into the sea.